I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
