Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
