I'm going to jail i love you
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
