How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
