M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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