Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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