im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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