I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
