I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
