he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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