Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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