I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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