In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
