We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
ttyl tear gas
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
