Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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