I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
