On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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