we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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