i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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