Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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