When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
