Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
