Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
smell my finger.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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