i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize