i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
