just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
