You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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