Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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