I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
