so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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