I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
