The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
