Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
