i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
