So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh god it's open bar.
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