so explain again why im purple
no
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
