I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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