i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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