There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
