She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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