are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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