the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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