New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
