chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
