I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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