also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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