Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
