I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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