I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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