I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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