If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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