atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
