If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
