So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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