I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize