You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
