we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
