seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
