she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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